Over recent weeks a few, slightly older familiar faces have re-entered my life via the means of a certain popular social networking site. It has made me realise how much time has past without me knowing it. Friends have married, moved away, come back again, had children, divorced, married again, travelled over seas, had more children and settled down.
Looking at the snap shot of people’s lives through the window of Facebook I suddenly realised just how much I have missed out on. I have married and regrettably divorced; I have married again and will very soon be divorced, again. Marriage and me just doesn’t seem to fit, unfortunately, because I am a great believer in marriage and always longed for the “perfect” life, if such a thing exists? I always thought I would marry my childhood sweetheart, have children and grow old together. But, somewhere along the way I took the wrong road which has led me somewhere I never thought I would be.
Here I am a thirty something male alone. Not having somebody to share your life with can prove a very testing time. It leaves you a lot of time with only yourself and your thoughts as company. Something which I have never minded, I have always enjoyed my own company but am not sure I will be so happy growing old with just me as a companion.
I have not written off the possibility of finding my soul mate and living the dream but I’m not in any rush. Life has left its scars on me and I’m not sure if my aging body could cope with any more. But on the other hand I am not getting any younger either. To live my dream would involve having children and in that dream I was always young and fit enough to play with them, not so old all I want are my slippers and a hot cup of Horlicks, (not that I’m quite there yet).
Please don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with my life, most of the jigsaw is there and starting to fit together nicely, however I haven’t found all the edges yet and there is the feeling that there may be a few important pieces missing or at least some pieces are proving very elusive. I am, for a change putting myself first and doing things that I have always wanted to do and just maybe this has put me back on the road I diverted from so many moons ago.
The problem is, when I look at my friends lives, somewhere there in the still dark recesses of my mind a small voice whispers to me “You have left it too late”.
And worse still, a part of me agrees with it.
What if you only get one shot at your dream and I have missed mine or just messed it up? What if this is as good as it’s going to get for me now. As much as I enjoy my life if there is a significant piece missing and if you recognise the fact it is missing, it will always be missed.
The upside is, when I look at my friends lives, somewhere there in a brighter recess of my mind a small voice whispers to me “Your time has yet to come”.
And thankfully, a part of me agrees with it.
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